Chinese loves fortune telling and they can practically use every damn thing under the sky to tell fortune. From fengshui to numerology to palmistry and even face reading.

There are plenty of fortune tellers who can read your life destiny based on your facial features. It is said that those who have much fleshier face will have a better life. But of course, they got more food to eat and hence, chubbier, right? And one of the favourite subject they like to touch on is the nose. Sharp, angle nose means a person is calculative and fleshier and rounded nose means the person are successful.

Well, I don’t care about those. If I have enough money, I will go get myself a sharp, high bridge, hook nose because it means I am going to be so calculative and cunning. A trait I am not blessed with. So, I wonder if this Washington DC rhinoplasty can help me to get that kind of nose?

I am going to touch on some fengshui stuffs today. Let’s take a look at how trees, plants and flowers affect our fengshui, whether on the outside or inside of our home.

Everyone should bear in mind that cactus spells bad chi. So are all those thorny plants including roses. Therefore, what kind of plants are good? Those that have lush leaves. However, if you are not born with the green thumb, get a fake one. These silk trees will be perfect for the home. What you need to do is to find a nice corner for your tree. Remember not to place too many trees in your bedroom though. It is not very good chi as trees are supposed to be vibrant and those vibrancy will keep you awake at night. Don’t believe me? Well, don’t. I have said, I am only a fake fengshui master. Hehehe

An old fengshui master came to my house once because I consulted him (and pay handsomely for that, of course). My children kept getting sick after moving into our house. So, he told us to actually knock down our main door and shif it over to the right side. There were various stuffs wrong with that house but I shall not elaborate here.

Now, there is one very important tip that not only this old man told me, but you can read them in books too.

The water feature.

Do you know that of all the elements, the water is so damn pahwerfool? It can douse fire, cut through metals (say it dripped for years?) and rock (earth) and drown trees (wood).

Heh, you know God drowned the whole creation He made with a huge flood and spare only Noah and his family and animals? So, that’s how powerful water is. Do you notice that every Chinese temple definitely have some ponds and pools? And big restaurants and businesses have also those tacky koi ponds and smoking windmills?

Well, if you want to put something like that in your house, remember this:

NEVER. EVER. PLACE. IT. ON. YOUR. RIGHT. Unless you are doing a business.
Stand inside your house, look out. Your right is that right side. Why? Because? I don’t know but the old man pulled me close to him and whispered to me that if I don’t want a husband straying, I better listen to him.

So, I am a stickler for this little tip. I have a water/hill (san sui) painting on the left side of my living room wall. I used to place an aquarium on the left side too. If my hubby wants to shift the aquarium over for convenient sake, I will scream murder. I told him, No way, fengshui said cannot. Then, he will replied, “You are a Christian now.” My reply, “Mr. Ang, the Fengshui sifu said cannot, means cannot. I am not commiting any crime by leaving the fishes status quo.”

So, women folks, don’t play-play. Otherwise, if you are lucky, you will end up like some women who has three husbands or if not, you will be the number three in line.

But men, if you are reading this, you may want to try out to see how effective it is. You will prosper and start collecting concubines. How’s that? Don’t forget to thank me, then. Lilian, too!

I just added a new category to this blog call Fengshui craps.  Well, fengshui existed for thousands of years and probably is as old as the Bible.  So, though I do not subscribe to the new age fengshui of sucking money for every little changes, I do abide by some of the age-old ideas.

Certainly, you wouldn’t want to live in a T junction with the main road facing your main door?  And neither will you gamble with bad fengshui ideas like  staying near graveyards?

Well, today we will look at the significance of the cock.  Without having to tell you, cocks are pretty flirty animal.  Cocks will screw every hens they can get their claws on.  Other than scratching for worms, they chase females.
The next time you go to those Chinese pottery shops or those selling antique mother-of-pearl furnitures, look out for these cocks made from rattan and real cocks’ feathers.   If you are not too embarassed to ask, the shopkeeper may tell you some sexual secrets of the ancient Chinese kingdom.

Hahaha….it is believed that when we place a cock in the bedroom, it will get the male active, as in ‘chio’ like a proud cockerel.  So, ladies, if you do accidentally placed a cock painting, figurine, your kids painting, toys or anything like that and you have a husband sleeping in that room, throw out the cock NOW!  NOW! NOW!  But if you are a mom with a bachelor son who has no inclination to find a wife and give you grandkids, go get one cock, a very pompous one and place them in your son’s room.  And bachelors and other itchy species of the male may want to try out if this fengshui tip works.

That’s the fengshui craps for today from Lilian, too.

You know magnet has north and south poles, right? You know the earth has north and south poles too, right? Ok, then, let’s play around with this north, east, south, west thingamajic. Awww…forget about the serious stuffs. Let’s test out if those fengshui stuffs work.

This is the mandarin ducks. I heard they stick to each other till death. So, it is a good symbol for fidelity. How about rearing them in your garden? Nay….you probably can’t. It is either too expensive, too rare or your neighbour’s cat will kill them. Or the government will cull them due to bird flu.

Then, get a wooden one!

This one is nice! I think the male one is the one worshipping the female duck.

And get yourself a bunch of mou-tan flower. Yeah, these tacky red/pink flowers are supposed to make you irresistible. Who cares if they clash with your home decor. When you hitch that rich bugger, you can re-decorate again. Oh, did I mention that I do not know if males can adopt this fengshui tip? I can’t guarantee if you started falling for men instead and turn gay.

Place them in the south-west corner of your office or home. If you do not know where south-west is, get a compass. Draw a rough layout, use the compass to see where north/south is and find the area south-west. Oopsie, is the south-west your toilet? No wonder….have you been getting jerks lately? Never mind, all is not lost. ‘Cos no one has proven fengshui works anyway.

If it is of any comfort, I stole these snapshots from my relative home and all her daughters and son are married! So, you see, it works!

I shall be playing the role of Lilian, too…Meddling around with fengshui stuffs. Free of charge, minus the bad voice.